MY INCREDIBLE EPIPHANY

Election night. People celebrating or commiserating, drinking a lot, saying and doing things they would later regret. To save myself from all that and a yawning disinterest I worked. Yes I worked. Because people get so damn weird and what happened three years ago well that was just a series of misunderstandings. So there I was working through 'til dawn with this guy called 'Whatevs Evan'. He wears headphones and is regarded as the best product stacker Coles has ever had as he hip hops along making up rhymes about this idiot job we are doing.

So. I was just doing my stuff, it's not rocket science, really it's not, rocket science is a bit harder and you have to finish uni to do it. I was just replacing the wheatbix when I had this realization, all the colours and shapes and I saw the intense sculptural nature of the SUPERMARKET and it dawned on me. This wasn't a supermarket, it was something more powerful than that. It was about the opulence, people didn't just come here to buy things but to have an spiritual experience in capitalism.

You see it all started so very simply. Just rearranging little things to be a little more aesthetically pleasing - a jar of mustard amidst the range of hair dyes. A mound of mousetraps like a tower of babel on top of all the cheeses. Easy choices, you know. BUT then I had the most incredible epiphany - this was really, really, really not just any old supermarket THIS was a museum - mine - in which I could turn into an INSTALLATION of my OWN making. In this post-industrial world the creative economy is the future NOW and I was going to give the people what they really need even if food is sometimes kind of important. I was going to feed them with IDEAS! This work was starting to have startling layers of profundity...

I was going to do something no artist - NOT EVEN THE ONE WHO DID THAT PAINTING OF HIS MUM IN THE ROCKING CHAIR - had done. Because I was now in crisps aisle and in pure creative flow. I was burstig open chip packets shaking them out, my vision was crystal clear - a golden road!! My fans/stalkers/bystanders would be given an aural/kinetic reality of crushing bourgeois power as they strode majestically down aisle 6. With a flourish of the last remaing Pringles can I KNEW I was making a PRODUCT that EVERYONE wanted but didn't have the wisdom to ask.

I then looked up, gasped and right before me was the Meat Section. A whole new medium to work with!! Of course there had been others who had dabbled in meat. But no, I was going to create a whole new beast, a master-piece-de-resistance and so I began, hunting and gathering amongst the BLOOD AND GUTS FOR THE BIG IDEA. Until it was....perfect. I dragged Whatevs Evan over, I questioned him intensely, "It's life changing isn't it? Evan tell me how it has changed your life forever?" And then he spoke, "It makes me want to love more, I want to be an anarcho-syndicalist feminist muse in a truly well read way." BUT NO HE DIDN'T EFFING SAY THAT!!!He said, "Whatevs" and wandered off as I was yelling at him "It's called DEMONCRACY!! DON'T YOU GET IT?? All I'm trying to do is raise the level of political discourse in this country AND-

THAT was when the Security Guards came and frogmarched me from the premises revoking my precious Flybuys card. The BRUTALITY!! I was only a few points away from claiming either the Esky or the set of six stubbie holders. I warned them that all of this would go in the Statement to the Police. I saw fear in their eyes, I swear.

Here I am now sitting in the Holding Cells and like most people I'm asking myself could I have done anything differently? And the answer is..."Yes". Three weeks ago I could have made a stand to seek the highest politcal office in the land. I could have sold myself in the grand tradition of the ghosts of politicians (past and present) like "Do Nothing Redacted" and the mighty "Suck My Knob Bob I'll Sign Off On Anything". My platform would be to just hang out and make great art instead of spending my precious time in Parliament with those dudes just struggling to stay awake.

Ok so I still don't know which what's-his-name has won the Election but I want to make it abundantly CLEAR in three years time when I ask for your money and vote you'll believe me when I say, "Don't be the small change you don't want to be - give yourself credit, yes a new credit card for something nice and unaffordable". And if you hand over large notes you'll have such trust I'll be a force to be reckoned with.

DEMONCRACY -  (re-enactment tendered as evidence)

DEMONCRACY -  (re-enactment tendered as evidence)